Coming Out of Hiding

Next month it will be two years since my divorce was final. In a lot of ways, I’ve grown. Yet I’ve recently been feeling super stuck. I have felt as though I’m trying to move a giant boulder out of my way on the path I’m traveling, but it just wouldn’t budge.

Sometime after the divorce, I came across something called DivorceCare. I never thought more of it or looked further into it. But as I was recently growing weary from trying to move the “boulder” that was in my way without any success, I felt prompted to check DivorceCare out. Turns out it’s a biblically-based divorce recovery support group. I felt called to attend, so I signed myself up, but I waited until just before the session began. I was anxious going into the first week. I was walking into a giant unknown – not something I willingly do. I felt energized after the first session. This was going to be good! And then…

Last week’s session rocked my little world. It was our second week. Although we had already gone through introductions and shared a bit of our story during the first week (which I did with humor…because that makes what happened an easier pill to swallow, right?!), we went through introductions again. This time, I told my story in a different manner – the story was the same, but the delivery was much different. There was no humor involved. The gravity of the sin I committed was weighing heavy on me. I realized the "boulder" I had been trying to move was the feeling of shame. 

It hit me then that, in a group of more than ten people (mostly women), I was the only one who had engaged in an emotional affair. The others were the victims of their spouses’ actions. Ironically, I was also sitting in the middle of the group. We watched a video on how to find healing and things that might be holding us back from experiencing true healing. Following the video, our facilitator asked if anyone had any response to the video. I raised my hand…and I spoke. I was the only one to speak. Yet what I shared was powerful:

I have long believed I was unlovable and unworthy of being loved. And I have believed that I will always be rejected and abandoned. My marriage was confirmation that these things were true. After all, my husband was unable to love me in the way I needed to be loved and ultimately made the decision to divorce me. Yet, God tells me otherwise – He says that I am loved; I am chosen; I will not be forsaken.

 

And then the session was over. 

It occurred to me that speaking up and sharing more of what was going on inside to this particular group of people was God’s way of calling me out of hiding. All my life, I’ve been hiding behind a mask of “having it all together” and of “perfection” (no matter how much of an illusion perfection might be). My fears of rejection and judgment were exposed in that moment. I have never felt as exposed and vulnerable as I did in that moment. I was struggling, and I mentioned so to the facilitator. She asked if I felt safe in the group. Oh, I feel safe…but I certainly don’t feel comfortable. But then again, growth isn’t comfortable. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can cling tightly to God’s promise that He will be with me as I walk through this healing journey. I am certain that He will use my divorce to demonstrate His redemptive nature and will make beauty from the ashes.

The Lies I Have Believed

I’ve never been one to have high self-esteem or self-confidence. I don’t really know if there was a single pivotal moment that caused this or if it was the compound effects of...life. Regardless, it has impacted me in many ways. 

One of the things that I have noticed the most is that this lack has caused me to believe a number of lies about myself...

I am unlovable. 

I am unworthy of the good in my life. 

I am not enough. 

I don’t matter. 

I have this deep, nagging feeling that one day, out of the blue, the proverbial rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me and the truth is going to be revealed. But what if the revelation of the truth is life altering — in a good way?! Why be afraid of that? 

As I’ve been growing in relationship with Christ and learning about Truth, I’ve been learning that there are so many good things about me — things that I have never fully accepted and embraced (but I’m working on it!).

I am chosen. 

I am a work of art. 

I am forgiven. 

I am worthy. 

I am loved. 

The reality is these truths ARE life changing! Most days these truths feel uncomfortable to embrace, since I have been holding onto the lies for so long. Some days, they feel like they fit like a glove. Regardless, they are mine to step into fully. 

Today, I am choosing to cling tightly to these truths and live out my best day yet.

What lies have you believed about yourself for far too long? 

Finding Heart-Shaped Rocks along My Way

Not long after my divorce was final, I started to spend more time hiking. You see, I’m happiest when I’m out in nature – the beauty of creation; the serenity of the outdoors. On my first hike following my divorce, I found a heart-shaped rock…on the next hike, another. It wasn’t long before I was finding multiple heart-shaped rocks along each of the trails I hiked.

In late April of this year, I hiked Havasupai. This has long been a bucket list hike of mine. As I hiked down into the west end of the Grand Canyon and made my way to the beautiful falls, I came upon several more heart-shaped rocks. At one point, it occurred to me…these heart-shaped rocks appeared for a specific purpose.

Hearts are a symbol of love.

God is Love.

It became abundantly clear to me while hiking across the Canyon floor that God has been leaving these hearts as a physical representation that He has walked the path before me and knows what lies ahead. I can trust that He is laying out my path and preparing the steps of my journey.

This blog is evidence of that. In my welcome post, I mentioned how I had intended to start this blog back in October 2011. You see, I picked the web link, created the design and gave my blog a title back then, but little else was done with it. These steps were taken just the month before I was baptized. It wasn’t until it was placed upon my heart in the early part of this month, more than ten years later, that I began posting to it. And in the moment that I visited my site for the first time since creating it, I noticed that there was a heart hidden in the midst of the abstract watercolors of the background design. He has been leaving evidence that He has traveled the path before me long before I was even fully aware.

 

Heavenly Father, thank you for going before me and laying out the path that you want me to follow. Thank you, Father, for leaving tokens for me to come across to know that you have been in the places where I end up. Father, help me to continually be obedient to your promptings to follow you – whatever that may look like – and to not lose sight that you are with me wherever I go. In your Son’s holy name I pray, amen.

A Note of Forgiveness and Compassion

Just a few weeks before my divorce hearing, I stood in my kitchen falling apart. I had no idea what to expect in the days to come. I only knew of the pain I had experienced in the days that had passed. 

I picked up my phone and started to compose a letter to myself. I didn’t think about what I was typing. I let the words flow through my fingertips as they came. It wasn’t until I took the time to read what I wrote that it hit me: the words weren’t mine. They didn’t resemble the words I would use to talk about my circumstance or myself. Rather, they were words from the Holy Spirit...reminders that He knew me, knew my trials, and was there beside me. 

If you’re going through a rough patch and are struggling with the concept of forgiveness, read on. May the words that were provided to me also be a comfort to you. If it helps, replace my name with your own and let the words sink in. 

******************************************************************

Dearest Nicole,

You have been fighting against yourself and beating yourself up for years. You are wearing yourself down, stealing the opportunity for you to experience unfettered joy. 

You've made mistakes in the past -- some big and some small. It's time to let go of the pain you felt from the consequences of those mistakes. It's time for you to fully heal and move on from them. 

The reality is that we all make mistakes. Let go of your desire for perfection, as it will only cause you to make grander mistakes over time. God created you perfectly in His image. Rest in that Divine perfection. 

You're still hanging on tightly to the mistake you made while working for Buckeye. Sweet Nicole, you were so lost and hurting so bad because of the condition of your marriage. You asked for a way out twice, only to be held captive against your will. You didn't know what else to do, so you acted out in the hopes that would set you free. In reality, it only created more heartache. But remember, God works all things together for your good in His perfect timing. What appeared to be rock bottom turned out to be the foundation for something so much greater. 

And consider this, sweet Nicole. If not for the mistakes you've made, you wouldn't be where you are today -- physically, emotionally, but above all spiritually. Sure, you lost everything you valued in life -- your job, financial freedom, your first house, friendships, relationships, and respect for yourself...but in the end you gained the greatest of all: the love of Jesus. Now, anything is possible. 

You're still experiencing repercussions of your past mistakes. The relenting heartache will ease up, I promise you that. This is just a season for immense pain. You are being broken to be remade. You are being refined to be more like Him. Continue to lean into God during this time -- He will provide all that you need. 

You are loved more than you know. 

The End...and a New Beginning

Life radically changed after the incident. We went to counseling. We quickly put our house up for sale. We moved in with my mom. I quit my full-time job for…peace of mind. You see, the person who physically threatened me was a police officer – a police officer who worked in the town I lived in and with whom I was having an emotional affair. 

My husband could have left me then, but he didn’t. He hung on for over two more years. In those two years, we tried to make things work – him doing what he knew to do and me doing what I knew to do.

In the midst of the chaos, I was offered a job with my church. It was a job that would bless me beyond measure. I grew so much spiritually in the four months I worked there. It was during that time that I started to fervently pray that I become the wife God had called me to be. The closer I grew to Jesus, the further my husband and I grew apart.

The summer of 2016 was a whirlwind. I had a minor surgery in late June. It was at this time that I came to realize that my husband was no longer present in our marriage. I had noticed signs of him pulling further and further away prior to then, but I had clung to hope that our marriage would be restored. On a mid-July night, when I finally was courageous enough to share how I was feeling and to open the lines of communication, he said the words, “It’s time we get divorced.” He was surprised when I didn’t fight it. I had been fighting for our marriage for years; I was tired and beat down. His concession gave me permission to stop fighting.

The days and weeks to follow were brutal. As much as divorce was something that I had wanted for years, the reality of it was not easy to digest. The paperwork. The separation of things. The walking away from a relationship. The breaking up of a family. All the emotions. 

Not long after we filed our initial divorce papers, I heard God’s voice loud and clear. He said, “You weren’t able to show him my love while married. But now you can.” I wasn’t certain how I was going to do such a thing, but I knew that there were many feelings and emotions I’d have to set aside in order to make it happen. That, and a whole lot of prayer and leaning into Him through it all.

It was now that I began to see how God uses all things together for His good, even those things that rock our world.

This is Where the Journey Begins...

I was baptized Catholic as an infant. Confirmed Lutheran in sixth grade. I had quite the spiritual identity crisis. In college and the years that followed, I was a wanderer. As an adult, I began attending a non-denominational Christian church and made the decision to be baptized. After being baptized as an adult, I lived one foot in the faith and one foot out. I hadn’t fully grasped what it meant to be “a Christ follower.”

I vividly remember acknowledging sometime after being baptized as an adult that my life was good. Sure, I encountered challenges here and there, but they were nothing that seemed outside of “normal”. I wanted to inspire and encourage people, but with a seemingly good life, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to connect with and relate to others. So I did the unthinkable…I prayed for hardship. Have you ever prayed for patience? Well let me tell you, praying for hardship yields similar results – ask and you shall receive.

I haven’t maintained an inventory of each of the hardships that I’ve encountered along the way, but I have held firmly to the event that showed me when nothing else remains, Jesus does. You see, I hit rock bottom after being physically threatened by a co-worker. I suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety. I took leave from the job to try and heal. One night while I was on leave, I had a nightmare that I took my own life. Once I awoke, I spent hours counting all that I had lost: namely a sense of safety and security. In the midst of counting my losses, I realized that I had gained so much: a true relationship with Jesus. After all, He was all that remained.

It was this single incident that caused me to evaluate what it means to be a Christ follower and to live out my life in a different way. And it was this single incident that was the start of where my journey to living my best life ultimately began.

Welcome!

“My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ.” Colossians 2:2

While I had intended to start this blog many years ago (nearly seven years ago, but who’s counting?!), the timing simply wasn’t right. As my relationship with Christ has grown, so has my desire to support and encourage others on their spiritual journey. It was only recently that the spark to inspire and encourage others through this blog was reignited.

It is my hope that this blog provides you with stories that help you to know that you are not alone and encourage you on your own journey. I will share my experiences and insight on growing a deeper relationship with Christ; challenges of motherhood; and my journey to increased health and fitness. 

Before we get started, I'd like to launch things with a prayer.

Heavenly Father, thank you for igniting an idea within me many years ago to start a blog to inspire others. Thank you for revealing a greater desire in my heart to share my story and to use it to encourage others as they journey through life in your perfect time. May you provide me the wisdom and the words to reach those who come to my blog – that they may grow to know you better and to deepen their relationship with Jesus as a result. Father, I ask that you abundantly bless each of the individuals who come to this page, demonstrating your faithfulness, grace and mercy to them just as you have me. In your Son’s holy name, amen.